let me start off by saying, I am a humongous movie fan. I’ve been this way ever since I watched The Shawshank Redemption when I was 10 (if you haven’t watched it, go watch it because it is really worth your time). And I was so hugely wowed by the movie that I just started watching movie after movie. I even actually had this thing when I was 12/13 where I took the Empire’s Top 500 Greatest Films list and tried to work my way through the list. I stopped around 90 because I sort of lost track.
Anyway, I’ve always had a special place for horror movies in my heart (the dark, sad lonely part of my heart). My eldest sister loved em too so we watched tons of them. I remember I cried the first time I watched The Exorcist when I was like 9 cause the girl ROTATED HER HEAD 360 DEGREES AROUND!!!! I’m not kidding!
*image was deemed too scary and inappropriate for this blog post*
But for some reason, fear is like a roller coaster. When you’re on it, you’re screaming like mad and wishing you didnt get on in the first place. But when you’re done, the adrenalin you got from it makes you so high you have to do it again.
Now to my main point. At the dinner table, my sister was talking about how her friends are going overseas to go backpacking after their A Levels so they can travel the world before university. Why? To have a “cultural broadening experience” in Eastern Europe (i.e Get drunk, smoke weed, smash up shit and go to brothels in Holland). Most of people do it anyway. And it’s really not such a bad idea because its really cheap if you decide to backpack and the history there is great. Plus if you’re a kid with an appetite for sin, Eastern Europe is your number one place to party.
Ya know, I used to want to go there for my JC to Uni break BUT I decided against it.
Why? One Word…
Well, this movie is horrible, sickening, traumatising and really crazy that seriously left IMAGES in my mind. Not happy ones.
Basically, two American tourists have come to the land of Eastern Europe to have that “cultural broadening experience” I was talking about. Following classic Horror Movie Formula (Stupid teens get into trouble and get killed eventually), these two American Students get kidnapped to be imprisoned in this scary hostel where they sell you to people who will torture you. Why? I don’t know. I guess its a inner “beast” kind of thing. But yea, countless cut-ups, a million kill scenes and 9 million gallons of tomato ketchup later, we are left with a tragic ending and a very traumatised 13 year old.
Why are people making mistakes time and time again? Well, fear no more kids! I’ve decided to compile a list of safety rules and regulations for you guys to survive a holiday in a horror movie universe. Please take notes.
1) Don’t be a crazy, sin-commtting, party seeking teenager
In accordance with horror movie law, only the good girl survives. Serial Killers love things like abstinence from drugs, smoking and sex! So, if you do any of those, your chances of getting chopped up into biscuit crackers is 90 to 100%.
As Seen In: Every Horror Movie Ever
2) Never pick up hitchikers.
There’s a reason why its banned in Singapore and I’m sure “don’t get into a car with a serial killer” was one of the things that went into the final decision.
As Seen In: Texas Chainsaw Massacre
3) Avoid Summer Camps At ALL COSTS
Counsellors in Summer Camps in the movies are always inefficient. For some reason, they can never aim the gun properly! Nor can they watch over children very well. Also, most counsellors are committing an infringement of Rule 1 because they are usually teenagers who drink and smoke alot! So you’re left on your own.
Summer camps are also in ulu places with lots of difficult terrain which the killer knows his way around very well but you don’t. Good luck having your guts cut up while you’re trying to climb a tree!
As Seen In: Friday The 13th
4) Remember Road Safety
The killer may try to place stuff that will destroy your ride so your left stranded. Always look out of bear traps placed on the road, people who try to hack open your gas tank… Remember the occasional crazy who may jump onto your car to make you crash.
As Seen In: The Hills Have Eyes
5) Ensure you are not staying at a place with a history of death.
Travel Agent: Yup! People DIED here! It’s also built on an Ancient Red Indian Burial Ground. Yup”
Person: ” No way! That shit sounds great! I’ll take it for sure.”
You are going to die.
As Seen In: The Shinning
So, those are them so far. I’m sure there are much more but I’ve tried to focus this around travel.
Sleep tight children!
Did you hear that? Coming from outside?
Too late hun, he’s already cut the telephone line.